Who Are You Outside Your Roles?
Next month, I am going to do something I've never done before.
I’m taking a cruise with my high school friends.
It’s going to be a beautiful reunion, and even better—I'll be joined by another amazing group of new girlfriends. Yes, that’s right… no husbands, no kids. Just us. A group of women who’ve spent years putting everyone else first, finally pressing pause to breathe, laugh, and maybe even dance under the stars.
Like I said, this is totally new for me, but it feels vital. A small but powerful act of self-care. Because after years of wearing all the hats and showing up for everyone else, it’s time to reconnect with me again. To remember and embrace who I am outside of the roles I’ve played for so long.
Reconnecting with Your Core Self Beyond Who You Are for Others
We live in a world that constantly pulls on us. Our kids, our partners, our work, our friends, our aging parents—everyone needs something, and we show up. We plan, manage, encourage, give, lead, nurture, hustle. And honestly, we’re great at it.
But somewhere along the way, we start to lose touch with ourselves.
We become known by what we do, not who we are.
“She’s such a good mom.”
“She’s the one who keeps everything together.”
“She’s always there when you need her.”
And while those are kind and true reflections, they don’t quite answer the deeper question:
Who are you, really, beyond all of that?
“The world needs who you are, not just what you do.”
The Quiet Disconnection
I talk to so many women who quietly admit, “I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore.” It’s not loud or dramatic. It’s subtle.
A slow slipping away of the things that used to light us up. A quiet fading of the curious, passionate, creative parts of us.
And no, this isn’t selfishness. It’s a very real and very common erosion of identity that happens when we pour so much of ourselves into everyone else.
But here’s the thing. You haven’t disappeared. You’re still in there—the you before all the titles and responsibilities… just waiting to be remembered and embraced.
Why It Happens
It’s not because we’re broken or weak. In fact, it’s often because we were raised to believe love means selflessness, and success means holding it all together.
We’re taught:
Good daughters put others first.
Strong mothers don’t complain.
Successful women make it look easy.
But when our identity gets wrapped up in performance and productivity, our sense of self becomes fragile. It shifts with life seasons, with changing expectations, and with how much we’re doing for everyone else.
This Is For Men Too
While this is written primarily for women—because that’s who I walk beside most often—I want to acknowledge that this experience isn’t unique to us.
Men, too, are often boxed into roles that define them by what they do instead of who they are. The provider. The protector. The one who holds it all together without needing help. And just like many women, men can find themselves asking quietly, “Is there more to me than this?”
So if this resonates with you as a man, maybe it’s time to open the door for deeper conversations. Because rediscovering who we are underneath all the doing... that’s something we all need.
Signs You Might Be Living Through Roles
Sometimes, without realising it, pieces of ourselves begin to slip into the background. And then one day, these signs start to feel familiar:
You pause when someone asks, “What do you want?”
You feel a quiet hum of resentment, but can’t name where it’s coming from.
You’re afraid that if you stop doing so much, you’ll have nothing left to offer.
You can’t remember the last time you felt truly inspired—or even curious.
You feel guilty for even asking these questions.
If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. And it’s not too late to find your way back.
Ways to Reconnect With You
1. Name Your Roles and Gently Set Them Down
Try writing this out:
“What roles am I currently playing? How do I feel in each one?”
Then ask yourself:
“If I could set them all down, just for an hour… what would be left?”
2. Revisit What Once Lit You Up
Old playlists. Childhood dreams. Hobbies that made time disappear.
What made you feel most like yourself—before the to-do lists took over?
3. Start Your Days With You in Mind
Instead of jumping into what needs to be done, try asking:
“How do I want to feel today?”
“What kind of person do I want to be?”
4. Make Space for Your Voice
Write something. Move your body. Garden. Worship. Sit in silence.
Whatever reminds you that you’re more than just the roles you play.
Why It Matters
Because the people in your life—your kids, your partner, your friends, your team—don’t just need what you do. They need you. Your joy. Your presence. Your spirit. Your you-ness.
You’re not just a mom, a wife, a husband, a daughter, a son, or a leader. You are a whole person. With stories. With dreams. With a self that matters, even when no one is watching.
So here’s my gentle nudge to you (and to myself, too):
Who are you, when no one needs you?
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About the Author
Lidia Lae, Ph.D., is a writer, psychologist, and speaker, committed to empowering individuals and organisations to build healthier cultures for meaningful contribution.