Lately, I’ve been reading more memoir and picked up Viola Davis’s ‘Finding Me’. I won’t spoil the read for you but would recommend the book. Her story got me thinking about the ways we find ourselves. Then, to my own strategies of finding me.

There are many strategies but the first four that sprang to mind are the following.   

1. Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts, feelings and/or whatever you want. You would start to see themes and patterns emerge. One of my themes was that I wrote a lot about my dreams and the goals I wanted to accomplish in my life. I didn’t know this at the time but by articulating them, I was actually building bridges to my future. Prominent psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues (Baumeister, Vohs, & Oettingen, 2016) call it prospective thinking. When we put voice and action to desire, we take steps to build a future that realises our desired goal. For example, I used to write about my desire to have children, to have a fulfilling career, to research about meaningful topics to me, and to present my findings. Now I am living these desires. It all started from journaling, writing and articulating what I wanted out of life. By writing, I find out what I feel most passionate about and unveil my inner most thoughts. I’ve learnt a lot about myself from letting my fingers type away, expressing my inmost being.

2. Read. We often find ourselves when we read. I certainly did. If I had not read Chaim Potok’s ‘The Chosen’, I would not have been introduced to my future field and work at the tender age of sixteen. If I had not read all the books and articles, I would not have understood psychological processes, how our culture and self are so intertwined, and thereby, obtained my degrees and my PhD. If I had not read, I would never have developed my love for a good tale, the appreciation of the written work in capturing profound ideas, beautiful prose, to export me to places where I have yet to experience and to revel in another’s lived experience. Life is too short to make my own mistakes so I read memoir and autobiographies to learn from others. To expand my mind and realise the possibilities of a life well-lived.

3. Be with people. We only truly know ourselves when we are in relationship with others. Lately, I have committed to spending more time with my aging parents. They share stories about their lives, about my life in East Timor. About our ancestors. I have a better appreciation of my heritage, my history and our identity from the time spent with my parents. But I am also aware of my shortcomings, how I need to curb my impatience when I feel my time is hijacked by others.

4. Seek help. I said I wouldn’t share much about Viola’s story but I can’t help myself with a good read. In the first chapter of her book, Viola shares about her revelation at her therapist’s office. She had sought professional help when she realized she needed it. We all need some form of help in our life’s journey. Help-seeking behaviour is the hallmark of a successful person. To be humble, to reach out to someone who knows better, has travelled further or who has lived experience to impart and to guide us on our own way, will ensure we don’t waste our precious time and/or stay stuck. I have found that every time I have reached out for help, it not only benefits me as the receiver but also the giver of that help. We were both enriched by the experience and finding our true selves in this moment of exchange is made all the more possible.

There are many layers to each one of us and as we pursue the route of finding ‘me’ as Viola Davis did, I hope that your writing, reading, being with people and seeking help, brings you to experiences of discovery.

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About the Author

Lidia Lae, Ph.D., is a writer, psychologist, and speaker, committed to empowering individuals and organisations to build healthier cultures for meaningful contribution.

References

Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., & Oettingen, G. (2016). Pragmatic Prospection: How and Why People Think about the Future. Review of General Psychology, 20(1), 3–16.