Ever wonder why Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@#k: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life became an international bestseller? It wasn’t just the provocative title that grabbed attention—Mark tapped into something powerfully resonant: the importance of examining our values and finding true meaning. In a world where we’re constantly bombarded with messages about what should matter to us, Manson challenged us to step back and consider what we genuinely care about. Though the book is filled with profanity, which I found hard to stomach, Manson urged readers to stop giving undue attention to things that don’t truly matter. In essence, he invited them to explore their core values—those deep-seated beliefs and motivational goals that define what we find meaningful in life.

This question—how we discover the values most important to us and how they inform us about what matters and is most meaningful—was recently posed to me by a close friend. It's a question that many grapple with in our modern lives.

Several years ago, at an international conference, I had the pleasure of meeting Shalom Schwartz, a leading authority on human values and the mind behind the influential Theory of Basic Human Values (Schwartz, 2012). This theory identifies ten broad values recognised across cultures and provides a framework for understanding how these values influence human behaviour (Schwartz & Bilsky, 1990). Schwartz’s work reveals that our values are more than abstract ideas—they’re central to our identity, guiding our decisions and shaping how we perceive the world. His research shows that while our values are influenced by cultural contexts, they remain deeply personal, helping us navigate life’s complexities with greater clarity and purpose.

But how do we discover these values? And how do they inform what truly matters to us?

Uncovering Your Core Values

Discovering your core values is not just a checklist exercise; it's a journey that requires deep introspection and honesty. I’ve found that this process often begins with asking ourselves the hard questions—the ones we sometimes avoid because the answers might push us out of our comfort zones.

1. Reflect on Your Past Experiences

Think about those moments in your life when you felt truly alive or, conversely, when you felt a deep sense of dissatisfaction. What was driving those feelings? For me, it was completing my PhD project, which pushed me to my limits. The sense of accomplishment I felt wasn’t just about ticking off a task; it was about honoring my values of perseverance and achievement, and bringing honor to my family, who sacrificed so much for me to realize this dream. On the flip side, I’ve also been in situations where I was asked to compromise my integrity. The discomfort I felt was a clear signal that honesty and authenticity are non-negotiable values for me.

These reflections aren’t just about reminiscing—they’re about uncovering what truly matters to you, the core of who you are.

2. Identify Role Models

Who do you admire? What qualities do they embody that resonate with you? Your answers can reveal a lot about your own values. I remember being deeply inspired by a mentor who showed unwavering compassion, even in the most challenging situations. Her ability to lead with kindness wasn’t just admirable; it was a mirror reflecting my own values. When you see qualities in others that you hold in high regard, it’s often because they align with your own internal compass.

3. Examine Cultural Influences

Our cultural background inevitably shapes our values, but it’s important to distinguish between the values we’ve inherited and those that truly resonate with our authentic selves. For example, I come from a culture that places a strong emphasis on community and collectivism, which I deeply respect and value. However, after living in Australia for many years, I’ve also grown to appreciate the importance of independence and personal achievement. Understanding this balance has allowed me to honour my cultural roots while also embracing what feels true to me as an individual.

How Values Inform Our Lives

Once you’ve identified your core values, they become a powerful guide in your life, helping you navigate decisions and infuse meaning into your daily experiences.

1. Guiding Decisions

When you’re clear on your values, decision-making becomes less about weighing pros and cons and more about alignment. I recall facing decisions where I had to choose between satisfying jobs that demanded long hours and positions that offered a better work-life balance but less prestige. By tuning into my value of family, the choice became clear—I opted for the job that allowed me to spend more time with my loved ones. For me, love and relationships are core values. Aligning your decisions with your values ensures that you’re not just making choices but making choices that truly matter.

2. Creating Meaning

Values are the lens through which we find meaning in our actions. For instance, one of my core values is growth, both personally and professionally. This value has guided me through challenging times, allowing me to see obstacles as opportunities to learn and evolve. Similarly, if contribution is a value that resonates with you, activities like volunteering or mentoring can bring a deep sense of fulfilment that goes beyond self-serving pursuits.

3. Navigating Conflicts

Understanding your values is also key to navigating conflicts, whether they’re internal dilemmas or external challenges. I’ve faced situations where I had to choose between financial gain and staying true to my ethical beliefs. In those moments, it was my commitment to integrity that guided me toward the path that felt right, even if it wasn’t the easiest or most lucrative option. When you’re aligned with your values, you can navigate life’s conflicts with greater confidence and clarity.

Conclusion

Even though our values influence us every day, many of us aren’t fully aware of them. This lack of awareness can lead to decisions that don’t feel right, leaving us frustrated or dissatisfied. By taking the time to reflect on and understand your values, you can live more intentionally, making choices that reflect who you truly are, rather than simply reacting to external pressures.

In conclusion, discovering your values is a life-changing process. As Mark Manson and Shalom Schwartz have highlighted, values are foundational to what truly matters in our lives. When your decisions align with your core values, you create a life that not only meets your needs but also resonates deeply with your sense of purpose.

Stay tuned for my Cultural Identity Blueprint, which will further explore basic human values to help you clarify what truly matters to you.

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About the Author

Lidia Lae, Ph.D., is a writer, psychologist, and speaker, committed to empowering individuals and organisations to build healthier cultures for meaningful contribution.

Reference:

Schwartz, Shalom H. (2012). "An Overview of the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values". Online Readings in Psychology and Culture. 2 (1). doi:10.9707/2307-0919.1116

Schwartz, S. H., & Bilsky, W. (1990). Toward a theory of the universal content and structure of values: Extensions and cross-cultural replications. Journal of personality and social psychology, 58(5), 878.