I stopped writing my book in the middle of last year. I remember that night so clearly. I was cutting onions for a spaghetti bolognese meal when mum called. That evening, which began with a simple dinner preparation, quickly became a pivotal point in my life, steering my focus away from my own goals and toward the profound challenges my family would face together. Mum's voice was calm as she told me not to worry, but a gut feeling told me something was terribly wrong. Then she revealed she had undergone scans while we were away in Europe, and the latest results were not good. In that moment, my world changed. The sting of the onions paled in comparison to the news, which unleashed a floodgate of tears.

Before the news, I was riding a wave of upward momentum, working on the completion of my debut memoir. The year 2023 held so much promise: my anthology piece was set for publication by Allen and Unwin in December, and I was consistently engaged and excited about my content creation. Then, our family embarked on an enjoyable whirlwind tour of Europe. However, as I soon learned, the high points of life can swiftly plummet to deep valleys.

It has been almost ten months since the cancer diagnosis. This period has been one of profound learning and reflection. I’ve come to realize that the allure of life’s achievements dims in the face of looming mortality—not my own, but that of one of the people I cherish most. This realization sparked deep questions: What truly constitutes a life? Is it our achievements and/or our experiences? I’ve found my answer in the meaningful relationships I treasure—the bonds with my parents, family, and friends. These relationships are what imbue life with value and make it immensely rich. It is not about personal glory, but about imparting meaning and love to others. Love expressed through action truly dignifies our existence. This is now my pursuit, my ideal. It’s what I’ve chosen to define my life in the aftermath of the past year’s ordeal.

Life's trajectory can shift dramatically in the wake of a tragic event. My mother's cancer diagnosis was one of the 154,000 cases in Australia that year (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, 2023), tilting my world unexpectedly and prompting a profound re-evaluation of what truly matters. These deeply painful moments also offer opportunities to refine our understanding of meaning and purpose.

In the coming weeks, I hope to share a series about navigating life’s transitions, overcoming trauma, and building resilience. To be honest, as a psychologist, it's challenging to step into a vulnerable space, as I am more accustomed to being the one offering comfort and guidance. However, I believe that embracing vulnerability is key to lifting each other up. My aim is that my experiences can somehow assist others, intertwining my story with yours in the shared journey of what we call life.

Encountering the Shock: Understanding Initial Reactions

Initially, the news of my mum’s cancer diagnosis struck like a punch to the windpipe. This is the debilitating power of grief. In its wake, a tumultuous blend of disbelief, fear, and sorrow shadowed my every step. I've come to understand that these intense emotions are natural responses; they mirror the profound love and concern we hold for our loved ones.

In such turbulent times, it is crucial to acknowledge and process these feelings openly and without judgment. By embracing our vulnerability, we foster deeper connections with others and with ourselves, setting a strong foundation for emotional resilience.

The Importance of Support Systems

Honestly, navigating those initial months after my mum's diagnosis would have been unbearable without the steadfast support of family and friends. I vividly recall a day at school pick up when another mum asked me, “How are you?” I burst into tears and was immediately enveloped in a warm, reassuring hug. This network of school friends, alongside my family, church community, and other friends who reached out, provided immense comfort and strength.

My aunts, devout in their faith, were pillars of emotional support, urging me to look beyond our immediate circumstances and to trust in a greater plan. Their perspective was a beacon during my darkest moments, reminding me of the power of faith and surrender.

Relying on a support system is not just helpful; it's essential. This network can vary greatly, encompassing family, friends, support groups, church members, or professional counsellors. Openly sharing our fears and uncertainties with them can significantly lighten our emotional load. It makes the journey less isolating and daunting. Furthermore, observing how others navigate their struggles and adapt can inspire us and offer practical strategies, reinforcing the belief that resilience is not only necessary but achievable.

Refocusing on What Matters Most

A critical part of finding meaning after hearing my mum’s diagnosis and going through the tragic event with her was reassessing my priorities. Life’s toughest challenges have a way of clarifying what truly matters.

In the whirlwind of everyday frustrations and material pursuits, it's easy to lose sight of the essentials. I realized that petty grievances and material concerns were trivial compared to the preciousness of time spent with loved ones. This revelation inspired a significant realignment of my values. For instance, we began to dedicate Saturday evenings for family dinners, uninterrupted by the usual distractions of our busy social schedules.

This shift in perspective is not just about spending more time with those we love but making each moment count. It encourages us to engage deeply, listen intently, and express our feelings more openly. Ultimately, it prompts us to make more meaningful choices that enrich our lives and the lives of those around us.

Finding Meaning Through Helping Others

Many people, including myself, discover new purpose in life by actively contributing to a loved one’s well-being. For me, this has involved researching treatment options for my mum, accompanying her and my dad to medical appointments, and offering a listening ear when needed.

I deeply admire those who extend their support beyond personal circles, engaging with wider communities through activities like raising cancer awareness, volunteering, or participating in research fundraising. The dedication of volunteers at the chemo unit, who assist patients despite their own losses, particularly moves me. Their ability to find meaning and purpose in serving others is truly inspiring.

Personal Growth and Self-Discovery

Through various tragedies in my life, I've learned that confronting life’s fragility can propel personal growth. Reflecting on these experiences often enhances empathy, resilience, and an appreciation for life's complexities. Many find peace and understanding through new spiritual or philosophical explorations, engaging in practices like meditation, prayer, or nature walks. My own journey has deepened my faith, fostering a profound sense of gratitude and trust.

I have also seen the inner strength of my mother grow in the midst of her suffering, enduring so much pain and uncertainty over the past months with quiet acceptance and hope. I was not surprised when I came across a study by Moreno and Stanton (2013), who found in their systematic review that many advanced cancer patients ‘cite finding meaning at the end of life as important and perceive positive consequences as a result of their experience’.

Embracing a New Normal

As we adjusted to changes since last year, including continual medical appointments and waiting for test results, embracing a new normal became vital. This means accepting that life may never return to how it was but recognizing the new reality's potential for growth and fulfilment. It's about finding joy in the present, however fleeting, and cherishing the profound connections that tragedy can foster.

Like what I shared, my world changed forever last year. Though there have been many tears, there has also been laughter and joy amid the hardships. Mum underwent a major surgery, lost all her hair during chemo, but she completed her treatment in February this year, and her hair has started to grow back. Witnessing her incredible resilience through this gruelling process has given us hope.

Conclusion: Moving Forward with Renewed Purpose

While Mum’s cancer diagnosis was a profound challenge, it also presented an opportunity for our family to deepen our understanding of life's value. By focusing on what gives meaning, seeking support, and embracing change, we discovered resilience and a renewed sense of purpose that honours both our journey and that of our loved one.

Finding meaning after a tragedy isn't about diminishing the pain but about integrating that pain into the fabric of our lives, turning it into a tapestry of deeper understanding and purpose. Faced with cancer, we have the chance to redefine our lives, making every moment count with greater intensity and love. Whatever difficulties you face today, I hope you embrace the challenge and grow through it, refining your vision for life.

Engage with Your Experiences

How have you found meaning in the face of tragedy? Share your story to help inspire and support others navigating similar challenges. If you're finding life particularly challenging, consider joining a support group or engaging with a community group that understands your struggles.

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About the Author

Lidia Lae, Ph.D., is a writer, psychologist, and speaker, committed to empowering individuals and organisations to build healthier cultures for meaningful contribution.

Reference:

Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (2023). https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/cancer/cancer-data-in-australia/contents/overview-of-cancer-in-australia-2023

Moreno, P. I., & Stanton, A. L. (2013). Personal growth during the experience of advanced cancer: a systematic review. Cancer journal (Sudbury, Mass.), 19(5), 421–430. https://doi.org/10.1097/PPO.0b013e3182a5bbe7