How do I mine my pain and turn it into fuel for life? This is the question I ask myself whenever I feel stuck, overwhelmed, and hurting from life’s hard knocks. A few weeks ago, I kicked off this four-part series, starting with Refining Our Meaning and Purpose, followed by Navigating Life’s Transitions and then Getting Unstuck in Life and Work After a Traumatic Experience. After nearly a year of supporting my mom through her cancer diagnosis and treatment, I wanted to share what helped me through this painful journey. This week, I conclude the series by focusing on building resilience to help you thrive through life’s challenging moments.

We all know life often presents us with difficult events that can feel like a knock-out punch. Whether it's a personal loss, a professional setback, or a health crisis, the ability to bounce back and move forwards from adversity is crucial. Resilience is the capacity to cope with hardships and setbacks. Building resilience isn’t just about enduring challenges; it's about adapting and growing in the face of them.

I love what Delia O’Hara wrote when reflecting on Assistant Professor Danielle King’s research on resilience (read the article here): “resilience is activated by adversity.” This means we might not realize our resilience until we face tough situations. It’s the hard conditions that test our strength and adaptive abilities. When we want to give up but stay the course and keep pursuing our goals, that’s when we know we’ve activated resilience.

While much has been written about resilience and how to build it, I want to emphasize that the foundation of resilience is our resolve to grow through our pain and thrive. It is our desire to overcome challenges that sets the stage for building resilience. For a deeper understanding, I recommend this article here on the APA website, which highlights four core components of building resilience: connection, wellness, healthy thinking, and meaning.

Incorporating these core components, here are the actions to take to develop our resolve and activate resilience:

R - Readjust Expectations

Expect that this is actual life. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" accept that difficulties and changes are a natural part of life. Our expectations are embedded in our meaning frameworks of how we perceive our experiences. We attribute meaning to every life experience. Expecting a smooth journey is unrealistic and sets us up for disappointment. Our emotions often align with our expectations; by anticipating challenges, we become better prepared to handle them when they arise. We also develop healthier thinking patterns. The first step in building resilience is to readjust our expectations.

E - Experience the Emotions

Acknowledge your pain and accept your feelings to effectively work through them. The hardest part is facing your pain, truly feeling it, and expressing it appropriately. Suppressing your emotions can hinder the healing process and prevent you from moving forward. By confronting your emotions head-on, you lay the foundation for genuine healing and wellness.

S - Set a Plan

Creating a plan engages your self-agency and problem-solving skills. Whether it involves gathering information, seeking emotional or practical support, or outlining actionable steps, having a plan is crucial. According to Danielle King, one of the keys to building resilience is social support, because “we as humans are wired to connect.” Begin by formulating a plan to understand and address your circumstances. Ensure that the plan includes connecting with others.

O - Observe Inner and Outer Contexts

Pay attention to what is happening both within you and around you. How are you interpreting this difficult situation? Are you placing blame on yourself or others? What meaning are you assigning to it, and how is it affecting those around you? We are interconnected, and our experiences impact our families and broader networks. Additionally, observe how others navigate their challenges to gain valuable insights. By observing, you harness a powerful tool for learning about yourself and the world.

L - Learn from the Circumstances

Every hardship carries a lesson. Our circumstances and experiences shape much of our work and lives. For instance, South African actress Charlize Theron endured a traumatic past, witnessing her mother shoot and kill her alcoholic father in self-defense. Despite these horrific circumstances, she learned to rise above them, eventually winning an Oscar for Best Actress and becoming an advocate for anti-rape campaigns in South Africa. Her story exemplifies how we can transform adversity into strength and purpose.

V - Value What is Important

Challenging situations often have a way of revealing what truly matters and what gives our lives real meaning. These moments act as a filter, helping us discern our core values and priorities. When you identify what you genuinely value, life gains greater clarity and purpose. This newfound clarity can guide your decisions and actions, enabling you to navigate through difficulties more effectively. Understanding your values provides a solid foundation, helping you to climb out of the darkest tunnels with a renewed sense of direction and strength.

E - Extend Yourself

Recognize that every difficult situation is an opportunity for us to develop and become better versions of ourselves. This involves stepping out of our comfort zones, setting challenging goals, and maintaining a positive outlook even in tough times. By seeking feedback, reflecting on our experiences, and practicing self-compassion, we cultivate a growth mindset. This proactive approach not only helps us navigate hardships but also builds resilience, enabling us to become stronger and more adaptable. Instead of being diminished by life's challenges, we extend ourselves and grow from them.

Conclusion - Resolve to build resilience

Building resilience means transforming life's hard knocks into opportunities for growth. This article, the final instalment in a four-part series, emphasizes the importance of developing the resolve to thrive through setbacks. Drawing from personal experiences and expert insights, it illustrates that resilience is activated by adversity and requires us to readjust our expectations, experience and express our emotions, set actionable plans, observe our contexts, learn from our circumstances, value what truly matters, and extend ourselves beyond our comfort zones. By following these steps, we can strengthen our resolve and fortitude.

If you found this article helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit from reading it!

Want to know more? Subscribe below today.

About the Author

Lidia Lae, Ph.D., is a writer, psychologist, and speaker, committed to empowering individuals and organisations to build healthier cultures for meaningful contribution.

Reference:

American Psychological Association. (2020, February 1). Building your resilience. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/building-your-resilience

O'Hara, D. (2024, February 20). Danielle King explores the nuances of resilience. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/members/content/resilience-nuances